Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Moved On.

I've always thought, "perhaps it could happen."

A year ago, a month ago. The same thought with minuscule difference.

"Maybe God is planning for us to go our separate ways for now, to prepare us for the future."
"Maybe this time apart would forge our feelings to become stronger towards each other when we eventually get together."
"Maybe God is preparing us to be better for each other."
"Maybe he is thinking this way too."
"Maybe he is thinking of me too."
"Maybe this is hard for him too."

Then another wave of thoughts rushed in.

"What if he realises I'm not the one he wants to be with?"
"What if we were never meant to be together in the first place?"
"What if I'm not good enough?"
"What if there's someone else?"

That last question would throw me off. The thought that another woman is in the picture of what I thought consists of two people is suffocating. I still remembered the day I found out my ex had another girlfriend. The thought that you are replaceable is very much painful.

"But he wooed me first. What made him lose interest? Why would he attempt to make me fall for him if in the end he would just hurt me?"
"He just didn't like you that much. If he did, he would've fought for you."
"But I was sure he liked me!"
"Well, you're wrong, woman."
"Maybe I should've responded more. If only I weren't so shy. Maybe I should've just texted him that day. If I had done things differently.."
"Maybe. But it's too late anyway."

So I learnt to deal with it, one year ago and one month ago. There's nothing else you can do. It's pretty much impossible if God doesn't interfere. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.

"Lord, take the feelings away. This is too much."

I don't know why it took so long. Why it took that much hope and pain and tears, just for one person that never happened. But hey, I've come to terms with the idea that we could possibly never be together, and for once, I'm fine with it. It doesn't hurt imagining that I'll see you walking around holding someone else's hand. Or laughing enjoying your time with her. Heck, I would be happy for you. I guess God granted the latter part of that wish.

So yeah. I think I'm ready to take that offer I once thought was impossible. I think we can be friends.


Sunday, June 18, 2017

Second Year in University of Malaysia, Pahang, UMP.

Now that I’m no longer a second-year engineering student, I have to think about my third year and my new crazy exotic adventure. My second year as an engineering student has not been easy. I thought my first year was hard but looking back at it, it wasn’t. The second year has been my most challenging year not only mentally, emotionally but most importantly psychologically. This year I had to build up my self-esteem; I had to work hard to really believe in myself that I could finish my never-ending projects, that I could get the highest marks possible. Plus, I had to plan my schedule every single day so that I could join or conduct events. You see, students who wish to continue staying at residential colleges must participate in activities conducted at the college, faculty or university to ensure that they have collected sufficient merit points to be offered a place the following semester, as vacancies are limited. Hence, I was called the 'merit hunter'. A good one tho *grins*.

Anyway, I finished exams 3 days ago! It has been a very long two weeks. I would talk about how my exams went, but I never really know if they went well or not! There were a few surprises- Chemical Reaction Engineering was probably my best one (despite that I found the course hideously confusing at the time and didn’t even understand half of lectures) and Chemical Engineering Thermodynamics was so bad (I thought I  could do it as I did well for tests. I guessed wrong.). That may not sound like a surprise. Whatever. I’m completely over that now of course! Exams done. Overall, second year has been an absolute blast, I had the best time ever! I made amazing friends, met some amazingly inspiring people and grew as a person. I surprised myself with the things that I was capable of doing. Now, all I have to do is plan my holidays and work on my so called 'project' (I'll post about it soon!). 

Here, I present to you, my second year photo blog and some snapchat videos. *insert smiley emoji*

Some run event, forgot the name of the event. Joined too many marathons this year LOL.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Writing blogs.

 It is a challenge.  Who am I writing for?  Sometimes it is for myself.  It helps me solidify my ideas, think them through. I haven't solidified my ideas here recently. Maybe it's because they have become less of a priority and are still in flux. I can't show you how many unpublished posts I have.  I do not think it's important that others know what changes have occurred. 

Sometimes I think I am writing for other people.  This one is a challenge because I don't know who reads these ramblings of mine.  But I try it anyway, or I don't.  I let it slide.  Is it an exercise in futility? Who knows.

I received an email a few weeks ago asking me to return to writing my anonymous posts for their website.  I finally wrote another brief article for them. I write anonymously there because the topic is painful and close to me and those I love and know.  Others have found them helpful, so I write.

Does this sound like a diary entry?  Maybe it is.  Maybe that is all I have today.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Highlight to read.

I never knew love could hurt so much. Every breath hurts. I wish I could pretend it doesn't hurt.

Every night I cry myself to sleep. The mornings are the hardest when I have to wake up for reality. 

How can I forget him?
How can I forget his kiss? His warm embrace?
How can I forget how close we used to be?
How can I forget his laugh? His sense of humour?
How can I forget he said he would never leave me? That we were meant for each other?

I will never forget the days we once had.

Ps: I disabled the text selection highlighting. 
凸( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   

Draft: February 2016

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Take note.

I have my own reasons for doing/saying things. 
Don't judge my choices when you don't even know the reasons. 
Cute Spinning Flower Black